I dunno

I dunno what to say.
I dunno what to think.
I dunno what to feel.
I feel lost. There is nothing to dream about. What I crave most in life I cannot get. The rest are meaningless. Probably I will keep on going. A meaningless existence like an automaton. There will be laughter. There will be shared smiles and tears and frustrations and everything.

But deep inside. I feel... nothing. The emptiness is like the endless vacuum of space. Is it a mask that I put on? The mask that projects happiness and joy? I dunno. That maddening yearning but not getting.

Why?

Why bother with this meaningless existence? Perhaps because there is nothing else left to do? I dunno. Nothing to dream about. Nothing to live for. Probably that is the scariest part of it. Having nothing to look forward to that really fills in that gap.

What is the point of it all? I want/. But it is out of reach. Change myself to get it? What indeed am I getting actually? To put on another mask, another mask that helps me to get it. Will I be happy? That mask can only be temporary. It is not my true self. I can never maintain it for long. What then when the mask disappears? And I revert back to my true self. What then do I achieve?

Is getting what I want through the use of a mask something that is good? And good to who? Surely not the other party. What you see is what you get. There is no proxy.